Coping with The End of the World

A lot of people think we are living in the end times. One reason some people believe this is that the Mayan calendar apparently ended in 2012. I think you can look at that as a portend of the end of the world or you can look at it as evidence that at the last minute the Mayans turned their calendar over to a lazy Mayan who was sick to death of the repetitive task of writing Tuesday May 5, 2012, Wednesday May 6, 2012, Thursday May 7, 2012 and finally started screaming “For the love of God, you guys, its only 800 AD! We’re already 1200 years ahead. Why can’t we just write ‘and so on, etc.’ on the last page and let someone between now and 2012 do some of the work?”

Whatever the truth is, since it appears that a number of people who are in charge of not only our government, but also the governments of other large equally dangerous countries full of lunatics, seem to believe this end times stuff and are eagerly awaiting someone coming back from the dead or rising up out of a well, I guess it behooves those of us in the rational sector to give the whole thing a little thought.
Which is why I was thinking that we can all learn something of relevance from the story of Noah. Now there was a man whose level of preparation and accomplishment in the face of disaster was certainly very impressive. Not only did he have to find gopher wood, whatever that is, in order to build a boat 300 cubits by fifty cubits by thirty cubits. (which also meant finding out what cubits were in order to figure out he needed to build a boat 450 feet long, 75 feet wide, 45 feet high) but also, according to The Creationist Museum in Kentucky, he had to do it kind of recently since the earth is only 6000 years old. Imagine the chaos of having to round up not just two of every ordinary species of animal but, according to The Creationist Museum again, ALSO two of every DINOSAUR, many of whom were 80-100 feet long, and some of whom lived 183 million years apart from each other! Just the Diplodocus alone was 45 feet high, so Noah must have had to figure out how to put their lower bodies down in steerage and then cut holes in the upper deck to accommodate their giant heads. I don’t know how he was able to get all 700 species into just the one boat. Maybe he let Tyrannosaurus Rex and the Velociraptors ride on the outer deck. Although I imagine that this arrangement must have caused problems for everyone trying to see around them when they were trying to steer.
I guess the rest of the dinosaurs he probably had to tranquilize, so he could stack them in piles hundreds high down in the galley, probably toward the center of the arc so the whole boat wouldn’t tip over. Because don’t forget he also had to save room for 9000 pairs of birds, 150,00 pairs of mammals and 2 million insects, every one requiring their own special menus; 32 pounds of wildebeest a day for each hyena, A big bushel of short grass for each wildebeest. (And make a note to separate the hyenas and the wildebeests. Maybe put them on opposite ends of the dinosaur pile.)
Just trying to clean up all that dinosaur poop on a daily basis while navigating through a tsunami must have turned Noah’s journey in to the kind of a voyage that makes a packed slave ship wracked by human misery and suffering begin to seem like a carnival cruise.
And yet, in contemplating this feat I think there is a lesson for us all. And it is about being organized and prepared before disaster strikes. If these are really the end times, then there is no down side to putting your life in order. As with Christmas you shouldn’t leave it to the last minute. But where to start?
Well I took a little time to check with the Biblical prophecies and here is my suggested list of things to do to get ready for the world to end.
1.WARDROBE:
There is no time like the present to begin cultivating the look you would like to maintain through eternal damnation. It’s a good idea to think more practically than usual. Probably platform shoes, diaphanous fabrics or anything by Prada are not going to hold up as well as you’d like in a plague of locusts. Instead, plan on a colorful layered look that will boost your spirits when your flesh starts to rot as well as maintain their shape during a rain of frogs.
Separate thought should probably be given to something special to wear during The Rapture as well as on Judgment Day. Traditionally many people want to appear serene, or ethereal. But there is another possibility to consider; Why not use this time to make a last minute bid for immortality by constructing an outfit that will forever puzzle future archeologists?. If they find you perfectly preserved dressed in only a mattress cover, oven mittens and wearing a disco ball on your head, you may receive a label like “Disco mitten lady” and one day windup with your own special display case in some future museum as they ponder what your role in the greater society could have possibly have been.
While you’re at it, why not write yourself a brand new resume claiming all the fraudulent jobs, degrees and credentials you meant to get. Then print out a stack of them and leave them somewhere prominent . Future archaeologists, people from another planet or whoever gets to you first, may develop a holiday in your honor.
2.Hair care
Think low maintenance. Don’t waste your money stocking up on Volumizer Shampoo with Extra Thickening Agents. Let’s face it: if your hair still doesn’t have the extra volume you wanted by the end of the world, getting caught in the middle of the abomination of desolation is probably not when it will finally develop some body. There are other stylistic issues to consider. Because its difficult to predict whether the mark of the beast on your forehead is going to look dorky or kind of scary cool like a prison tattoo, it might be a good idea to think about growing out your bangs .
3.DIET
If these are really the end times, then its time to stop trying to lose weight. Remember that what with pestilence and all, everyone is going to be thin eventually. Therefore it stands to reason that too much weight might become a good look. Lets be realistic. If there’s really an invading an army of 200 million on horseback, like they predict in the Bible, you probably won’t have that much of an appetite anyway. So go ahead and stock the larder with pudding pops and candy bars, cocktail peanuts and Margarita mix. Now that time has run out, and we are never going to get a definitive answer as to whether alcohol was good or bad for us, there is absolutely no reason not to get totally shit faced. If there is an advantage to sobriety in the midst of eternal damnation, I would like to hear someone explain what it is.
The same logic, of course, could be used as a reason to start a heroin habit. But only if you can buy such an enormous quantity of the drug that you are sure you will not run out. The end of the world will be a big enough pain in the ass without having to worry about trying to get on the waiting list for Promises, Malibu.
4.Put together a realistic reading list.
Don’t say you’re going to read Proust or that book by Stephen Hawkings when you know damn well that even when you’re facing famines and earthquakes, all you are ever really going to do is fall asleep reading and re reading the same page.
It makes a lot more sense to stock pile dozens of short tawdry crime novels , celebrity tell alls, and barely literate smut. They will hold your attention and be easier to follow in the event of that thing they discuss in the Bible where your eyes will begin to rot in their very sockets.
Anyway, after the rapture it will sound more impressive to tell your friends, if you have any left, that you used the time to read hundreds of books. Everyone will be so exhausted after fleeing from cyclones and tempests that they’ll probably never think to ask for the titles. If they do, you have my permission to go ahead and lie. At this point, the ten commandments are the least of your worries.
5.SET SOME NEW PRIORITIES
A.Accept that you will not accomplish all the goals you set for yourself .For example, it is probably too late now to become “a Beltway Insider” or even find out what one is.
B. Understand that some things will always be unknowable .
You will not have the answers in this lifetime to the big questions such as “Why was Dane Cook such a huge success?” Or “How come Nicole Richie only had to stay in jail for a half hour, and Lindsey Lohan got 84 minutes but Paris Hilton got 4 days and Keifer Sutherland got a whole month?”
6. Dating after the Apocalypse
Time to stop feeling insecure. Remember, ladies, it’s finally okay to have sex without thought of commitment since during the end of the world no commitment can really be long term anyway. But now that there’s not much time left, it makes sense to only have sex with people who know what they are doing. So limit yourself to those commitment-phobic sociopaths who have been honing their skills during one night stands since they were teenagers. Musicians are still a good bet. Ditto for congressmen. Also in demand will be prisoners out on parole, show business executives and members of any drug cartel.
7.And finally : FIRE THE SHRINK.
At last we will have a situation where irritability and poor mental health will be considered appropriate.


In summation, making the most of the end times is, as with all things, mainly going to be a matter of attitude. You can view the abyss with a looming sense of gloom and despair or think of it as a fixer upper, just waiting for some new window treatments , a little fresh paint and a few colorful accent pillows. How you handle it is up to you! So get going and have fun with it!

19.11.2007.