THE DOG HOLLARER

FADE IN:INTERIOR MIDDLE CLASS SUBURBAN HOME.
We are in the entry hall by the front door where a middle aged woman holding two leashes summons her dogs for a walk.

WOMAN:Who wants to go for a walk? Bosco? Squirty? Walk?

(Two tiny dogs rush out of somewhere, gallop up to the woman and begin to bounce off of her like she is a trampoline.)

WOMAN:Easy, Squirty. Bosco. I said DOWN. Or I meant to say ‘Down’ first, then ‘Walk.’

(As she tries to hook them to their leashes, they are so boisterous and enthusiastic that they knock her onto her back. Soon she is lying on the ground, still holding the leashes, but unable to get back up because the dogs are bouncing up and down on top of her.
Into this out of control scenario walks Kaiser Milan, a sturdy grey haired hipster in jeans and a tight tee shirt, blowing a loud rape whistle. This gets the dogs attention.)

KAISER: All right, everyone. STOP.

We see a show title: The Dog Hollarer
(The dogs both stare at him. As they pause their assault, the woman is now able to stand back up. Kaiser looks shocked.)

KAISER: This is typical behavior?

WOMAN:Well, yes, but they don’t mean any harm. They just get so excited about going on a...

KAISER:I can see that. What I would like now is for you to leave the room and let me work with them.

WOMAN:Leave? Are you sure? Do you need these leashes?
The woman looks reluctant, fearful.

KAISER: No, I don’t need anything but the dogs. I’ll call you when we’re ready for you to rejoin us.

(The woman cautiously backs out of the room, waving little goodbyes, blowing little kisses to her dogs as she exits.)

KAISER: Okay, Squirty. Bosco. Apparently you guys want to go for a walk?

(Squirty and Bosco look at each other , then duplicate the same thing they did to the woman seconds ago...bouncing off Kaiser like he is a trampoline. But after about two seconds. Kaiser reacts with such an enormous explosion of rage and hostility that they both freeze in their tracks.)

KAISER: ENOUGH! What the fuck do you two morons think you’re doing? What am I? Your door mat? Your bitch? Stop this bullshit NOW.Everyone! SIT!

(He is hostile and scary. Squirty and Bosco both sit.)

KAISER:(screaming at the top of his lungs)
All right, now you two spoiled jack offs listen to me. Outside of this house is a country called The United States of America. Either of you ever investigate the laws pertaining to dogs here? No? Then let me give you a quick synopsis. How easy do you think it would be for me to put you both in to the trunk of my filthy car and drive you to the friggin pound where you could be adopted by some meth freak who ties you to a tree and lets you sit in your own fecal matter day and night? I could do it like that. (He snaps his fingers and glares.)Heres another option: I could have you put to sleep! By which I mean put to death. All I would have to do is make up any kind of crazy story about how you bit someone. Anyone. Even someone I hate. It’d be my word against yours and don’t forget, you can’t even speak English. What I’m trying to tell you is that your ass belongs to me. Does everyone get what I’m saying?

Squirty and Bosco sit quietly cowering, terrified.

KAISER:All right then. When I ask you if you want to go for a walk, I expect you to line up single file. Right here. No jumping. No noise. NOW.

(The dogs sheepishly approach him and he hooks them to leashes. Then they stand quietly as he contnues to yell.)

KAISER: And when we are on the God Damn walk, first one to pull or push ...either of you familiar with the term vivisection? I can sell you to a lab where they’ll pin your eyes open and spray hair spray in to them? You’ll PRAY for the gas chamber after that. Anyone not clear? Okay, let the owner back in.

(The woman who owns the dogs comes back in to the room, sees her dogs sitting quietly on their leashes, and gasps in shock and utter delight.)

WOMAN:OH MY GOD. They never act like this with me. You are amazing. A GENIUS.

KAISER: It’s all about taking control with the proper calm assertive attitude. Now we’re all going to walk out this door together..

(He opens the door and makes a gesture, offering the owner to walk out in front of him. Flattered, she does. He follows, and before he lets the dogs out he turns to them with a final warning.)

KAISER
First one to get out of line...Pssshhhhhttttt.

(He pantomimes spraying hairspray in to someone’s face.
The dogs cower, then follow obediently.)

12.07.2007.